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 My mini-story

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apzrman

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Male Number of posts : 86
Age : 26
Character (Race) : Marinus (Human)
Hometown : Luca
Occupation : Blitzball Superstar
Registration date : 2008-06-12

PostSubject: My mini-story   Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:08 am

Hey, I'm making a mini-story, just to get some practise for SFL, tell me what you all think of it?

Here's chapter 1 (I know it's short, so I'm thinking of making the chapter bigger)
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Spy World
Worlds of Corruption (Working title)

Chapter 1 -

The night was dark and the sky was pouring down with rain. A mysterious figure leaned against the wall just opposite the Artasian Government building. This figure did not move at all, as if it was just a statue staring into the distance. An old, but strong looking man, with grey, spiked hair and an M16 rifle on his back was walking slowly towards the figure. He walked up to the figure and pulled out a cigarette.

“So, you’ve been waiting all day?” said the older man.

He leaned against the wall, next to a tree, covering the cigarette from the pouring rain, while trying to light it. He looked over at the figure, who still hadn’t moved. The older man leaned over and pulled the cloak off the figure, to reveal a young man with long hair dyed dark green. He was wearing a black leather trench coat and dark grey stealth gear underneath. Six of his many firearms were visible from the trench coat.

“You know.” said the young man, pausing only to give the older man a look of annoyance. “I have been standing here for quite a while, and no one has entered or left this building.”

The young man pointed towards the gates, then pointed towards the older man’s rifle that was on his back.

“But I bet your gun would be able to open the gates though, they do look weak.” continued the younger man.

The older man walked up to the gate and started to pull at it. He checked the hinges of the gate very carefully, then spun around to the younger guy and gave him a smug look. He spun around back to the gate and started to pull.

“Zack, give me some hand. These hinges are weak and should be able to come off easily.” said the older man while pulling hard at the gate.

Zack, the younger man walked up to the gate and stared at him. He pulled out a small handful of C4 explosives. The older man just stared at him is if he was playing with him the whole time. Zack carefully planted the C4 onto the gate’s hinges. The explosion was small, but strong enough to completely destroy the hinges. As the gate fell, the older man stepped back, so the gate didn’t fall on to him. Zack, however, wasn’t as lucky.

“ugh! Farouk, don’t just stand there! Help lay this thing down!” demanded Zack as he struggled to keep the gate from falling on top of him.

Farouk, the older man took the weight of the gate by himself, laying it down as if it didn’t weigh anything at all. Zack signalled him to stay in the shadows as he searched the area for any signs of movement. Farouk spotted a guard sleeping inside a security station. He crept silently over to the station and picked the lock of the door. Zack, cautiously taking in his surroundings spotted Farouk entering the security station and positioned himself so that he couldn’t be seen, but so that he could give Farouk support if the situation turned ugly.

Farouk grabbed the guard in a choke hold, to take him out silently. After about a minute’s struggle, the man finally collapsed unconscious. Farouk took his security card and his gun, as he tied the guard up. He signalled to Zack that the area was secure.

Zack walked over to the building, inspecting it to find a way to get in. He took out a grappling hook gun from the inside of his trench coat and aimed steadily at a ledge high up on the building. As he fired the gun, another guard came from around the corner. This guard had spotted Zack, but had not spotted Farouk. As the guard ducked behind a crate, he pulled out his radio and whispered into it.
“We have a breach of security, I repeat, there is a man trying to…” started the guard.

A bullet whizzed past the guard’s ear and straight into the radio. The guard started to freak out. He pulled out his gun and started to fire in the direction of where the bullet came from.
Zack had started to ascend the building head the shots from below. From his view he could see the guard shooting at Farouk, who was behind a big metal crate. He slid down the rope of the grappling hook and stopped right above the guard.

“If your trying to kill him, he’s a little more to the left.” whispered Zack into the guards ear.

The guard got a shock from this sudden voice and stood up. He had foolishly fell into Zack’s plan, as he was pulled upwards by his neck. Zack had strangled him, and placed the guard‘s body into the crate h was next to.

“Farouk!” yelled out Zack, “Go and enter from the side, There’s a door that should be able to open with that security guard’s pass. Make sure you find any information on this so called ‘Bio-Weapon’ they’ve been researching.”

Farouk nodded at Zack, then crept to the back door, keeping an eye out for any other guards who might have heard the commotion. He was about to enter when he looked up and saw two surveillance cameras. He ducked down, so he couldn’t be seen by the cameras. One camera was fixed on the door, the other, was right next to it, monitoring the other side of the first camera. Farouk thought to himself, trying to find an easy solution to getting past the cameras. Then it came to him, to dress up as an enemy soldier.

Farouk ran back to the knocked-out soldier and took off his hat and his jacket. Now that he had the hat to cover his face and the jacket to cover his top, the cameras wouldn’t be the hard part of getting in. The door was locked by a security password, and since there wasn’t any other guards to get the code off of, he had to try and lure them out of the building, so he could enter, while the door was still open.

Farouk went back to the guard’s station and sent a call for backup, the officer at the other end foolishly sent more troops to Farouk’s disposal. One by one, they came out and one by one they all fell to the floor. Only one guard was left, and Farouk had a little surprise for him.

The guard, frozen with horror with what just happened, tried to reach for the door handle. Upon feeling something else that wasn’t metal, he turned around.

“Who’s there!” Screamed the guard, while spinning his gun around to meet the intruder. “Oh god no!”

There, hanging off the remains of what was the door, was one of the guard’s allies. The guard, shocked at what just happened, ran out to the guard’s station, only to find his friend, unconscious.

“No, no, no! This cannot be happening!” yelled the guard in a panic.

Zack, who had been watching the whole incident unfold, took out his silenced pistol from under his coat. He aimed carefully at the guard, who by now had a gun to his mouth ready to kill himself. Zack hesitated for a second to see if the guard would actually do it, but his patience grew tired of waiting, and he finished the guard off.

Zack continued to scale the building until he reached a balcony on the fifth level. He used his lock picking device to open up the tightly secure door. Air rushed in, as if the door hadn’t been used in ages. Zack could tell already that this mission was going to be a hard one.
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Tif

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Female Number of posts : 426
Age : 29
Character (Race) : Tif (Al Bhed/Yevonite)
Hometown : Home
Occupation : Thief
Registration date : 2008-06-12

PostSubject: Re: My mini-story   Wed Jul 02, 2008 7:46 pm

You did a great job! Add in a little more detail, like what your character's face looks like. Maybe something like, "Name squinted his eyes and scrunched his nose as the rained lashed across his face."

Hope this helps! Smile

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apzrman

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Male Number of posts : 86
Age : 26
Character (Race) : Marinus (Human)
Hometown : Luca
Occupation : Blitzball Superstar
Registration date : 2008-06-12

PostSubject: Re: My mini-story   Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:59 am

hehe, thx. I forgot about facial expressions Razz
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Jimi
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Male Number of posts : 748
Age : 29
Character (Race) : Shinu (Human)
Hometown : Kilika
Occupation : Summoner/ Swordsman
Registration date : 2008-06-10

PostSubject: Re: My mini-story   Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:41 pm

Alright, so I finally found some time to get through this chapter. I think it's off to a great start. Here's some things on top of what Tif already said.

Damage. You can definitely add some brutality to the kills by writing what the victim is feeling.
Example: The bullet penetrated the man's temple, shattering all the flesh in its path to the other side of his head.

Just a tip to help spice her up a bit Wink

Also, you can talk about the surroundings a bit more. How the man are adapting to the rain, such as working through puddles, a bit of a loose grip on the wet building... etc.

Nice start, hope it helps!

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apzrman

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Male Number of posts : 86
Age : 26
Character (Race) : Marinus (Human)
Hometown : Luca
Occupation : Blitzball Superstar
Registration date : 2008-06-12

PostSubject: Re: My mini-story   Sun Jul 06, 2008 12:16 pm

Thx Jimi, I'll be sure to add in the gore Wink
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